Here is a "Home Study Simulator Course" designed for those who hunger for the "romance" and "adventure" of airline flying.
1. Stay out of bed all night.
2. Sit in your most uncomfortable chair, in a closet, for nine or ten hours facing a four foot wide panoramic photo of a flight deck.
3. Have two or more noisy vacuum cleaners on high, out of sight but within hearing distance and operating throughout the night. If a vacuum cleaner fails, do the appropriate restart checklist.
4. Halfway through your nocturnal simulator course, arrange for a bright spotlight to shine directly into your face for two or three hours, simulating an eastbound flight into the sunrise.
5. Have bland overcooked food served on a tray midway through the night.
6. Have cold cups of coffee delivered from time to time. Ask your spouse to slam the door frequently.
7. At the time when you must heed nature's call, force yourself to stand outside the bathroom door for at least ten minutes, transferring your weight from leg to leg, easing the discomfort. Don't forget to wear your hat.
8. Leave the closet after the prescribed nine or ten hours, go outside, turn on your sprinklers and stand out in the cold and "rain" for twenty minutes, just like waiting for the crew bus.
9. Head for your bedroom, wet and with your suitcase and flight bag. Stand outside the door till your wife gets up and leaves, simulating the wait you'd have while the maid makes up the hotel room.
10. When your spouse inquires, "Just what in the hell have you been doing?" just say, "practicing the allure of all night flying to romantic places" and collapse into bed.
11. Lay awake for several hours listening to a recording of airplanes departing and arriving. Add ice machine and elevator noises intermittently with the vacuum sweeper banging into your bedroom door. Play the TV in the next room as loud as it will go. Sleep fitfully for 3 hours, get up.
12. Shower in cold water.
13. Pay $30 for a bagel and a cup of coffee.
14. If you are a purist, do this three nights in a row.
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