"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"
You know you?re flying a Cessna when you have a bird strike and it is from behind!
Lost Cessna Pilot: "Big airport with a little Cessna 150 overhead, please identify yourself!"
Little boy to airline pilot: "You're a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting."
Pilot: "Not if I do it right."
How do you know if a pilot is at your party? He'll tell you.
How do you know when you are half way through a date with a pilot?
Because he says: "Thats enough about flying, let's talk about me"!
--- "Hey there blimpy boy, flying so high and fancy free" --- Homer Simpson
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!""
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".
An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".
One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"
Q: What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A: A pilot and a dog...the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.
Q: How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
Q: How do you know if a pilot is at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: How do you know when you are half way through a date with a pilot?
A: Because he says: "Thats enough about flying, let's talk about me"!
Q: What's the purpose of the propeller?
A: To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!
"Air Force '45, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard...I see you've already ejected."
"Citation 123, if you quit calling me Center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna."
"About three miles ahead, you've got traffic 12 o'clock, five miles."
"If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor."
"I am way too busy for anybody to cancel on me."
"You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you nod your head."
"It's too late for Louisville. We're going back to O'Hare."
"Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."
"Don't anybody maintain anything."
"Climb like your life depends on it...because it does."
"If you want more room, captain, push your seat back."
"For radar identification, throw your jumpseat rider out the window."
"Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your wings.." "OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!!"
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
Pilot's reply: No Sir. I'm just a student pilot.
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...
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